Dealing with difficult people might feel like swimming with sharks. How can we swim with sharks and not get eaten? And, how can we swim with sharks without becoming one?
When you don’t know how to hold your own in relationships,
and someone takes advantage, it feels like being held under water.
When I walk in the flesh, my heart rebels against verses like this:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, ‘Do not resist the one who is evil…And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles’ (Matthew 5:38, 39, 41, ESV).
And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. So much for avoiding difficult people. My go-to-moves for dealing with manipulative, selfish, narcissistic people are very original: (1) run and hide OR (2) stand and fight. But, Go with him TWO miles—REALLY? Yes. Really.
This idea has often made my skin crawl.
People who force you to walk with them, or force you to talk with them, or force you to spend time with them, or force you into anger with all their forceful forcing…these people…they are not. my. people!
I have asked: Lord, how? How can I do this? Yet, I have done this. I have done this the wrong way: with eye rolls and huffy breaths and clenched fists and tight teeth.
I have dreaded and complained and resented and secretly maligned and I have stiffened my neck…all the while, knowing about the commandment to love my neighbor (Mark 12:31; Leviticus 19:17; Luke 6:27; Matthew 22:36-40; Romans 13:8-10; Luke 10:25-37; John 15:12; Matthew 19:19; Colossians 3:12-14; 1 John 3:23).
How can wounded hearts learn to be generous and humble, to overlook transgressions and feel peace when wronged?
This is the best tip for dealing with difficult people:
We don’t have to trust in people,
our hope is in the Lord and His Plan.
God’s plan is simple. We see it in the love of Jesus: “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7, ESV). Here is the unexpected key: Love gives us HOPE.
When we just know how some people are…we should hope for the best. When we just know how a situation or discussion will go…we should hope for the best. When we feel like a person, or a relationship, is a lost cause, God calls us to hope for the best—not because we trust in the person, but because we find our hope in Him, who is able to redeem difficult people, even us.
So, here’s to hoping we can learn to love (be patient with and kind to) the people who push our buttons by remembering that we love, because He first loved us. And loving hearts walk in hope.
Hi Britta,
Thank you for your article about getting on with people who are like sharks this Christian lady I have been staying with over a year is driving me crazy want to go and end my life she is so so controlling telling me what to do all the time she is so nasty told lies about me in my church I just want to rip her eyes out .You can not be nice to this person if I don’t see her in 2 days she texts me all these nasty horrible messages .I just want to scream .When someone is nasty to me I walk away and don’t have anything to do with them but I can’t here she is in my face all the time .I just want to tell her to you know what I did do that and she got nasty she can do and say what she likes to me and get away from it but if I loose my temper or try to stick up for myself she comes back at me please help me I can/t stand her what she said and does to me not right not fair she is not acted like a child of God. everyone said God has put me here to learn a lesson I have a lot of anger .hurt and hated in my heart from people saying nasty things to me and God has put me here she has big problems she doesn’t think she has. She does not act godly one foot in the world and her big toe in Gods kingdom .Please pray for me to give me the grace to cope with her so God can bless me with my own place ,It is so hard to be nice to people who don’t deserve it and so horrible to me. thank you
Sharona, your situation sounds very difficult. I have prayed about what to say to you and I feel very strongly that you need to seek counseling from your pastor or a licensed professional counselor. I think that you said that you are living in her house? It would be really helpful if you did not live in the same place with someone that you struggle with so much. It can be very hard to accept help from difficult people, and it makes it hard for you to be thankful to her for her help. Still, no matter what someone else says or does, God does not give us permission to hate them or want to hurt them…those feelings are hurting you more than they are hurting her. In God’s plan for us, He asks us to overlook the offenses of other people and forgive them as He has forgiven us. You talk about her not deserving to be treated nice, and I can understand how you feel, but the truth is that we supposed to love everyone, not just the nice people. God is our model: we don’t deserve His love or forgiveness, yet He gives it to us anyway. I wrote a lot about this difficulty in a series called Integrity. I have put all of those posts on one page for you—please read them all, and let me know what you think!
Click here: https://brittalafont.com/reward-and-responsibility/
🙂
Oh sweet friend, Britta! These words. Wow. All of these words hit me hard today. You may not have known I needed them, but He did. There are “sharks” in everyone’s life. Then again, when I humble myself I am reminded that sometime I AM the shark. Ouch! I get sarcastic, Snarky (funny how it rhymes with sharky!), and my words bite. Today I am purposing to let His love and hope take over. Thank you for this very timely post! Love you girl!
Thank you dearie! I really appreciate your comments—they bring you to mind and heart today…I am convicted for not being intentional in our friendship…let’s find a (realistic!) way to keep in touch? ??