I  have been struggling a little lately. I turn around and see that my little kids are suddenly so big. I used to shovel spoonfuls of cereal into their little pie holes, sing songs to them till I was out of breath, and coach them into blowing their baby noses (which is, BTW, one of the hardest “skills” to teach!).  But suddenly, they have become MY helpers when I can’t find my keys, when I’ve lost my glasses, and when I’ve misplaced my joy. Change is afoot.

And I am beginning to see my husband’s military retirement on the horizon. But looking ahead to that day is like trying to glimpse the bottom of the muddy Mississippi as it swirls and rushes by. So many unknowns. I am left wondering about tomorrow.

Truth is, every day is like that, really. We just don’t see it, we take so much for granted. We tend to think each day is full of givens like who we will see, where we will go, and what we will do.  And yet…

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that” (James 4:13-17, ESV).

And in these last nine months I have written a 20,000 word eBook, formatted it for paperback, and turned it into a 65,000 word Bible Study that I taught to an amazing group of God’s girls, 130 of them, for TEN WEEKS. Then I capped off that time by speaking the same good word to some lovely ladies in Albuquerque, at a wonderfully intimate retreat. And as much as I’d love to share this hope-filled message with womens’ Bible study groups all over, I really wonder: is God going to give it wings to take flight? Or does He have other plans for me?

Because I keep hearing this Still Small Voice that says go lower, be smaller.

Maybe after all the writing and speaking, my Father knows that I’ve been feeling at a loss for words. A little uncertain. A little awkward. But that is as it should be, because He has all the best Words. This passage spoke to me recently:

For a day in your courts is better
than a thousand elsewhere.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly (Psalm 84:10-11, ESV)

It was Sunday, Mother’s Day, that our pastor read all of Psalm 84, but the words that rang out loudly to me were: I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God…these words rang out loud and true.

I would rather be a doorkeeper.  I would rather take the lowliest job, if means to work for Him, to be with Him. And mothers, and wives, and writers are watchers, and listeners, and curators of other people’s stories.  We are nose-wipers, hand-holders, and heart-whisperers. We have supporting roles: we are doorkeepers, and house keepers, and hearth keepers.

God has made each of us for His pleasure and His Glory, not ours. He is big. We are all small. We can rest in this truth. He carries us. He is the Good Master. And though we don’t know what He has in store for any of us, the truth is that it is better to be a doorkeeper in the house of our God than to dwell anywhere else.

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