I follow a lot of blogs these days. I have met some amazing writers and bloggers at conferences, or through other online connections, and I have lost count of the blogs I am subscribed to now. I try to read them all. Or skim them. Sometimes they have amazing wisdom to share. Or a great recipe. Sometimes they make me laugh. Or cry. And being a homeschool mom…sometimes I just want a little adult company, even from my inbox…is that really pathetic? Never mind. Don’t answer that.
But some email updates I get just make me hang. my. head. Some of these people are doing amazing things, just living amazing lives. They do things like open orphanages, start wildly successful businesses, and/or write best selling books right out of the gate. In their posts, these people lead hilarious, intellectual, and spiritual lives that I don’t lead. In their posts, these women are better wives, mothers, friends than me. And some days I just click delete without even opening the email.
My marriage has been my place of refining. My parenting has been where God shows me my need for growth. My kitchen has been my place of defeat. And sometimes this all makes me feel too…small. Not talented. Not kind. Not beautiful. Not Pinteresty. Not FaceBook worthy. Me, I have wanted to be special. I have needed to feel important. I have wished to make a difference. I have wanted to leave a mark. And I haven’t. I have been…ordinary.
In 2014, being ordinary can feel like failure. All these things that are so worthy ‘“ making a Kingdom impact, leaving a legacy, being the Gospel to the Lost ‘“ seem to slip out of my grasp. My weak, sweaty, incapable grasp. How can I be salt and light when I feel flavorless and dim?
Sometimes it is this: I am discontented. And being discontented disconnects me from God. You know who else was discontented with her lot in life (even though she had it pretty good)…you know who wanted so much more? Look here:
Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘˜You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, ‘˜You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’”
But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked ( Gen 3: 1-7).
Funny thing. When I was overwhelmed with discontentment for being small, God answered my prayers by giving me a new desire: to be immersed in the small stuff. To declutter my mind and go totally…small. Small? I can totally do that, without even trying.
It is extraordinary to humble yourself. In this day and age, it is radical to yield and submit. It is amazing to realize that my life’s great purpose is already fulfilled. By Jesus. I am totally fulfilled because I am one with Him Who fulfilled the Law and the Prophets. The most important question in my life? Already decided. Feeling alone and small? I am chosen and I am loved. And it even seems that, after all these years, I am finally learning to obey. That right there is a stone cold miracle, people. That is pretty big stuff.