I took some time off from writing this year, more time than I expected. I have been slow coming back because somewhere along the way, I lost my joy.

As we finished up the Meet Me in the Middle Project in April, my life started to race into high gear. First, we had to fly from Arizona to Alabama to look for a house. And when I tell you that, it just makes me want to say:

{I flew all the way from Phoenix to Birmingham.  And boy, are my arms tired!} Hee hee!

Before that trip, we had ballet performances and then homeschooling to do in the midst of house hunting. Unexpectedly, we found out that Momma had to have a fairly extensive surgery, so I went straight from Birmingham to New Orleans and then back to Phoenix.

When I got home, the emails and phone calls were fast and furious—we bought our Alabama house and sold our San Antonio house, all long distance and in the span of a few weeks. That’s a lot of paperwork.

Did y’all know that we used to live in Texas?

Meanwhile, we were also helping our landlord to sell the house we were renting in Phoenix…and right after all that, we drove around 1700 miles to our new house as my husband retired from the Air Force and got a new job. And of course, we had to unpack and decide where to put everything. Whew!

Y’all. This season has been an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve been wrung. Out. Like a wet dishtowel.

But the biggest problem has not been in my circumstances. My biggest problem has been in my heart. It’s been filled with anxiety about pretty much every little thing. And all of my anxiety comes down to a single question that I can’t answer. Do you ever wonder:

What if God allows the next season to be even harder than the last?

This question can go around and around in your head until you feel a little cuckoo! And I still don’t know the answer to that. I know I never will. But here’s what I do know:

1. No matter what, Jesus brings life out of death.
2. I know God is good (Psalm 136:1). His plans are for our good (Romans 8:28).
3. The Lord is wise beyond measure, so His plans are perfect (Proverbs 3:19; Psalm 18:30).
4. At the end of everything, Our Heavenly Father really, really loves us.

So, I have been in this fear tunnel a while now. Long enough to be sick and tired of it. And considering this whole journey, I’m ashamed to admit that my big, big fear is that God wants to refine me—make me better—and I worry about the way He plans to do it. Fear has kept me from praying. Fear has kept me from fellowship. Fear has taken my song.

But in the end nothing—not even fear of trials and difficulties—can keep me away from the Lord because He is my best friend and my only Hope.

I can’t imagine life without Jesus. Remember when the disciples were upset and confused by Jesus? His teachings were turning their lives upside down. He was asking them to do very hard things, things they didn’t understand. Some of the group left, but not those who really loved Him:

‘You do not want to leave too, do you?’ Jesus asked the Twelve.

Simon Peter answered him, ‘Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.’

(John 6:67-68, NIV)

Where else would we go? Who else has the Living Water? Even though sometimes He is impossible to understand…He is the air we breathe. And we know that He is our only Hope in this life and the next.

I have realized that I am at my worst when I’m walking in fear instead of walking in joy. And walking in fear is a habit. So is walking in joy.

Walking in fear is a habit. So is walking in joy.

The truth is that we’ll never know what tomorrow brings. Or next week or next year. But we do know that we can trust the Lord. He’s got a good, good plan. And He’s promised never to leave us alone. Every time a fearful thought crosses my mind, I can choose to accept the truth about Him. I can choose to walk in joy.

And Scripture  teaches us how to move from walking in fear to walking in joy: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7 NIV).

Joy is born out of gratitude, thankfulness.  “It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to the Most High. It is good to proclaim your unfailing love in the morning, your faithfulness in the evening…You thrill me, Lord, with all you have done for me! I sing for joy because of what you have done” (Psalm 92:1-2, 4, NLT).

So, this is where I am now: standing on the edge of joy, trying to lean in. Old habits die hard. Complaining is easier. Worrying is strangely comforting. Instead, I know I need to write myself a new song and practice singing it everyday. I’ll be writing it here. Will you sing it with me?